Wanted Ed or Alive
by Legacy of the Phoenix
Summary: The cul-de-sac kids may have forgiven the Eds for their catastrophic scam in the Big Picture Show, but others haven't! Now, Nazz, Kevin, and the others must protect Ed, Edd, and Eddy as they are relentlessly hunted by vengeful children who will stop at nothing to punish the trio. Ed Edd n Eddy created by Danny Antonucci.


Returning to the cul-de-sac after the war with Eddy's brother, everyone, sans Jonny and the Kankers, are at Kevin's house partying with jawbreakers and music.

"Wheels on the bus go round and round!" Ed rolls across the floor atop four jawbreakers.

"Hey! Quit wastin' a good thing!" Eddy shouts.

"Don't sweat it, Eddy! We got tons more!" Kevin dumps a large box of jawbreakers atop Eddy.

"Dogpile!" Kevin and Edd jump in the pile with Eddy!

"Oh! You guys are gonna pay for that!" Eddy groans laughing.

"Dogpile!" Jimmy and Sarah join in.

"Dogpile!" Nazz jumps in.

"Rolf too wishes to mound like a canine, yes?" Rolf jumps in.

"My turn!" Ed jumps straight through Kevin's roof and high into the sky before he comes barreling like a missile towards his friends in the jawbreaker pile!

"AGH!" The kids all scatter!

CRASH! Just afterwards, Ed lands in the pile and causes the jawbreakers to scatter in all directions; Ed himself also going right through the floor.

"Dude, like, what are you made of?" Nazz looks down in the hole at Ed.

"The stuff of legend, Nazz!" Ed crawls out of the hole shaped like a hermit crab.

"An appetizing supper you will make, crustaceous Ed boy!" Rolf jokes.

As the friends all laugh heartily, a silhouetted group of children are ominously gathered around Kevin's home and clearly enraged by what they see.

* * *

The following day, the Eds are cleaning up the widespread damage their scam caused, deciding it is the least they can do.

"Yomp!" Ed swallows a large chunk of metal and burps.

"How do ya know somethin' sharp ain't in there?" Eddy asks.

"Because I do, Eddy!" Ed suddenly burps out a small but sharp metallic object.

"You can be so stupid sometimes." Eddy shakes his head.

Edd looks to Eddy about his comment and remarks, "Really? _Sometimes?_ Well, I would expect you to use your voice's volume to maximum level and accuse him of general idiocy."

"I'm serious. I need a dictionary for you." Eddy throws discarded boxes in the trash.

Unbeknownst to the three longtime friends, they are being closely loomed over by the angry silhouetted children.

"Hey, guys. Still on cleanup? We'll lend you a hand." Nazz and the other cul-de-sac kids, sans Jonny, show up with brooms, shovels, and trash bags. They proceed to go with the Eds all over the neighborhood to clean up the worst scam ever. All the while, they sing the friendship song.

The angry silhouetted children maintain their glare at the group, especially the Eds.

* * *

The following day, Sarah and Jimmy are playing with their dolls in the former's backyard when a paper ball smacks the latter in the face, knocking him down.

"Owie, Sarah!" Jimmy whines.

"Who's the wise guy?!" Sarah picks up the balled-up paper and opens it up, "It's a note."

* * *

In her bedroom, Nazz, her hair fully restored at last, celebrates by combing it relentlessly when a rock crashes through her window with a note attached to it.

"Not cool!" She shouts angrily. She picks up the note and reads it out loud, " _We need to talk_ …"

* * *

In front of his house, Kevin reads an identical note as he leans against his bike, " _…alone. In The Lane. At 3:00._ "

* * *

On his farm, Rolf reads an identical note that he has just pulled out of Victor's mouth, " _And you better not try anything._ "

Rolf shuts Victor's mouth and assumes, "Poachers!"

* * *

It is 3:00 p.m. and all five of the cul-de-sac kids are in **The Lane** with their respective notes in hand.

"Déjà vu." Kevin comments, sensing a familiarity about their current situation.

Suddenly, the five friends are confronted by the crowd of angry silhouetted children. A hostile wind passes by to mount the tension, which in turn gives way to a suspenseful thunderclap.

"Are you, like, the ones who wrote these?" Nazz asks. "'Cause one of you _so_ owes me a new window."

"And _you_ owe us an explanation!" Silhouetted Boy #1 barks in rage.

"Did he just talk?" Kevin notices in shock. "No one even shows up, _way_ less talks, unless it's one of us 12. 13 if ya count Eddy's brother."

"I don't." Jimmy shakes his head, but remains shocked by the voice of Silhouetted Boy #1.

"The new boss Phoenix wishes to fix what is not broken by bringing forth new characters, yes? No?" Rolf points out.

"Tell us why!" Silhouetted Boy #1 demands. "Why are those three lame-os not in pieces after what they did to the cul-de-sac?! What happened to that rage train you said wouldn't stop until ya thumped 'em, Kev?! And why are you hangin' around 'em like you're friends with 'em?! After everything they did?! That no-neck chump especially?!"

"It's complicated." Jimmy cowers behind Sarah.

"No, it isn't!" Sarah stands up to the boy unafraid. "We're friends with them because we wanna be and that's all you need to know!"

"Not good enough, twerp!" Silhouetted Boy #1 retorts.

"What'd you say?!" Sarah storms towards the crowd, but Nazz stops her.

"Look, I'm still tryin' to let it all sink in too, but it's like this." Kevin explains. "Turns out those three weren't a bunch of trouble-making foul-ups who wrecked everything. They just wanted friends."

"Totally." Nazz adds. "You guys have _no_ idea what we've seen days ago. You all know about Eddy's brother, right?"

The silhouetted crowd, including Silhouetted Boy #1 himself, react in fearful muttering, but maintain their ground as Nazz continues,

"So, like. He was a real jerk. Like ten times as bad as the Eds could ever be and a hundred times worse than the Kankers ever were. You wanna blame someone for what the Eds have been doing? Don't point fingers at Eddy. Point them to his brother. He treated poor Eddy so badly. It was _beyond_ uncool. Eddy never wanted to be who he is. Never wanted to do any of this. He just thought it was the only way he could be cool. Be one of us. You weren't there, but…he was crying."

Most of the silhouetted kids look to each other and mumble in surprise. Eddy, of all people, crying? He'd sooner laugh in someone's face and insult them than he would cry, they thought.

"Yes." Rolf adds, "The once misguided neckless Ed Boy achieved victory over his elder sibling and purged his inner demons, yes?"

"And that's why he's our pal, now. Why the other two are our pals now." Kevin finishes. "It takes some real grit to spill your guts and admit what you've done. I never thought he had it in him. And I never thought I'd meet anybody so messed up to where they'd treat their own blood like trash."

"Even I never took it that far with Ed." Sarah admits. "I know I always said I'd turn him into dogmeat, but I was never serious. He's still my brother. And my friend. So if you've got a problem with them, you've got a problem with us."

"Darn right." Kevin nods.

Most of the silhouetted kids look to each other before they depart; either to ponder on their words or to avoid the wrath of four of the five cul-de-sac kids. However, Silhouetted Boy #1 and six other silhouetted kids are not moved.

"What, were we speaking Spanish or something?" Sarah growls at the seven. "Take a hike!"

"How stupid are ya?" Silhouetted Boy #1 remarks. "The only remotely decent one of those losers is Double D. Shoot, even that idiot Ed could probably be cool if he had enough brains to even know what cool means. But Eddy? Come on! He had his shot at bein' different in that Christmas special and he blew it! He _can't_ change! He'll go right back to rippin' you off and wreckin' everything and those two stooges are gonna be right there with him! It's who they are!"

"Not anymore." Nazz confidently insists.

The five kids, even the normally frightened Jimmy, defiantly stand their ground in defense of the Eds.

"Man. You guys really did take the nastiest hit from that last scam. Scrambled your eggs more than it did your faces and everything else. Sorry about that. But if you're not gonna do nothing about those three freakshows, we are!" Silhouetted Boy #1 declares.

PTEW! The seven silhouetted kids scatter to do what the cul-de-sac kids never brought themselves to do: make Ed Edd n Eddy pay…severely.

"Oh, no. He's going after the Eds!" Nazz realizes in concern.

"Yeah, well, he ain't gonna get 'em." Kevin vows. "They might still be dorks to them, but now, they're _our_ dorks. Rolf, me and Nazz are gonna watch Eddy. You cover Double D!"

"Come on, Jimmy! No one's pulping Ed but me!" Sarah declares.

* * *

And sure enough, while Eddy burns his _Who to scam and when_ book in the fireplace, Kevin and Nazz force themselves inside and begin to barricade the door with his furniture.

"Hey. What's going on?" Eddy asks as curious as he is confused.

"You're in witness protection now, dude." Nazz taps him on the shoulder.

"Some dweebs from school still have it out for ya, pal." Kevin explains. "We're gonna make sure they don't get to ya. Or the other guys."

"Wh-where are they?" Eddy asks genuinely concerned.

* * *

RUMBLE! In his tractor, Rolf has Edd in the front with him as they ride down the road.

"You will be safe from merciless retaliation in Rolf's residence, he whose-secret-beneath-a-hat-remains-unrevealed Ed Boy!" Rolf proudly announces.

"Yes, well, thank you, Rolf." Edd nervously replies. "But doesn't this fly in the face of the goal you are trying to achieve? As with a vehicle as large as this, I will surely be spott-"

"Oh ho!" Rolf floors the tractor to a stop. He grabs Edd like a football and leaps down into the cellar he once hid in during **Run for your Ed**. He then yells, "Victor! Assume protective position!"

"BAA!" Immediately after Rolf closes the cellar door, Victor charges in front of it and stands guard.

* * *

In Ed's bedroom, Jimmy keeps Ed himself distracted by holding buttered toast on a fishing hook above the larger boy's head while Sarah seals Ed's locked window with cement and bricks.

"Yum! Ow! Yum! Ow! Yum! Ow!" Ed repeatedly jumps for the buttered toast but keeps crashing headfirst into the wall.

"Hup!" Sarah tosses Ed's recliner against the door, which causes three turkeys to pop out. "All done!"

"Not quite, baby sister!" Ed, managing to bite the buttered toast, chomps on both it, the fishing lure, the fishing line, and even the fishing rod and reel themselves.

"That was my Dad's favorite fishing rod." Jimmy points out.

"Urp!" Ed belches out the reel.

"Who needs a garbage disposal when you've got Ed?" Sarah points out.

BANG! BANG! BANG! Suddenly, there is a furious knock on both Ed's door and window!

"They're here!" Sarah realizes. "Jimmy, get my brother in the closet!"

"But what if they find us?" Jimmy whines in a panicky voice.

"Then we will find them first! Ah, huh, huh, huh!" Ed picks up Jimmy and takes him into the closet. He closes the door.

Sarah pulls up her sleeves, ready to fight off anyone and everyone who threatens her brother's well-being. Eventually,

CRASH! Silhouetted Boy #1 gets through the window while #3 and #4 get through the door!

"Come and get some, fatheads!" Sarah pounds her fists together.

SQUEAK! BAM! SQUEAL! MOO! A fighting cloud forms when the three silhouetted boys tackle Sarah. Jimmy peeks through the closet and cringes at the violence before he is yanked back into the closet by Ed.

"What the-?" Silhouetted Boy #2 hears the door shut and dashes towards it.

"Oh, no you don't!" Sarah drags him back into the fighting cloud.

"Oh, yeah we do!" WHAM! Silhouetted Boy #3 slams Ed's chair on top of Sarah, whose bruised and battered head pops out of the cushion while attached to a bouncing spring…at the same time two turkeys pop out.

"Jimmy? Ed?" Sarah weakly moans.

"Time's up, no-chin!" Silhouetted Boy #4 opens the closet door, but to his shock and confusion, finds that Ed and Jimmy have escaped through a hole in the floor...that Ed has clearly dug himself with his bare hands.

* * *

"BAA! BAA! BAA!" Victor viciously knocks Silhouetted Boy #5, Silhouetted Girl #1, and Silhouetted Girl #2 away from the cellar every time they get close, being well-aware of the fact that Edd is being protected by Rolf in there.

"Move, you stupid goat!" Silhouetted Girl #2 shouts in frustration.

"BAA!" WHAM! Victor kicks Silhouetted Girl #2 high in the sky and off of the farm.

"All right, that's it!" Silhouetted Boy #5 climbs into Rolf's tractor and activates it!

RUMBLE! VROOM! "BAA!" Silhouetted Boy #5 drives the tractor towards Victor, who wisely dodges out of the way!

"Hey, watch it!" Silhouetted Girl #1 dodges the mud that comes flying at her from the tractor's tires.

VROOM! RUMBLE! CRASH! Silhouetted Boy #5 drives the tractor atop of the cellar's entrance doors and completely destroys them before he backs up!

"Oh, yeah! Payback time, ya gap-toothed nerd!" Silhouetted Girl #1 pounds her fist into her hand as she jumps down into the cellar. She is followed closely by Silhouetted Boy #5.

"There you are!" Silhouetted Boy #5 spots Edd, whom is eating fava beans next to a lit lantern like nothing is wrong.

"Just so you know, when we're done, that hat's coming off! Insult to injury and all that!" Silhouetted Girl #1 taunts, but Edd remains calm.

"Hallo!" Rolf, somehow changed into his warrior outfit from **Dueling Eds** , runs up to both silhouetted children with two dead fishes from that same episode!

SLAP! WHAP! BAM! WHAM! POW! Rolf begins to beat on both of the silhouetted children with his fish and send Silhouetted Boy #5 out of the cellar and into the sky. But then,

SLAP! WHAP! BAM! WHAM! POW! Silhouetted Girl #1 takes Rolf by surprise and snatches a fish from him before she proceeds to pay back what he had done to her friend but knocks him up into his tractor instead of into the sky. She then notices Edd walk out of the cellar after her.

"Where do you think you're going?" Silhouetted Girl#1 threateningly turns her stolen fish to Edd.

Still completely calm, Edd replies, "What I think is that it is best for you to show concern for yourself rather than me."

"And why-" Silhouetted Girl #1 then turns when she hears the sound of hooves running towards her.

"BAA!" A furious Victor returns and rams into Silhouetted Girl #1; everything goes black for a moment with the exception of some random tiny particles!

* * *

Silhouetted Boy #1 is in a moving fighting cloud with Kevin and Nazz while Eddy peeks from behind his room door, having been ordered by Kevin and Nazz to remain put for his own protection. Eventually,

CRASH! SHATTER! The moving fighting cloud crashes into Eddy's fish tank, which causes all of the water to rush out and cover Kevin, Nazz, and Silhouetted Boy #1.

"Yuck! Not fish!" Nazz shudders in disgust.

"Hey!" Kevin shouts at Silhouetted Boy #1 when he makes a break for Eddy's bedroom! He proceeds to tackle him to the floor before he could get close.

"Yagh!" Silhouetted Boy #1 puts Kevin head through Eddy's floor.

"Ragh!" Nazz jumps on Silhouetted Boy #1's back and begins punching him in the head.

Eddy is conflicted about what to do. He has been told to stay put for his own safety, but knows he has to help his new friends. Problem is, he's never truly been consistently brave before. Not unless he was motivated by money. There is the time he stood up for Edd against the Kankers in **A** **Fistful of Ed** and kept Ed from being taken down by Rolf in the **BPS,** but the circumstances were somewhat different. He has no idea what to do because he does not know who he is anymore.

"Dagh!"

Eddy watches as Silhouetted Boy #1 throws Kevin into Nazz and pounce on the both of them. He looks around his room for anything he could use to help his friends, trying his hardest to fight against his residual cowardly and selfish instincts. He then notices sunlight from outside of his house shining off of his disco ball.

"Hmm." He develops a devious smile.

"You know what your problem is, Kev?!" Silhouetted Boy #1 ruthlessly kicks both Kevin and Nazz in the ribs. "You ain't got the drive to get even like I do. Like the others do. That's why we're winning! Ain't nothin' like the power of payback! Makes ya tougher than tough! Tougher than you and even Rolfie-boy!"

"Hey, shadowface!" Eddy barks from behind his room door that he deliberately left open.

Silhouetted Boy #1 turns around and storms inside, "Ready to take your medicine, half-pint?!"

"Eddy, no!" Nazz and Kevin shout despite their bruised and battered state.

Inside Eddy's bedroom, Silhouetted Boy #1 finds Eddy nowhere to be seen. He looks around to make sure he doesn't get the drop on him. But then,

Eddy spontaneously appears in front of Silhouetted Boy #1 with his disco ball in hand and tosses it to the shadowy child, "Think fast!"

"Seriously?" Silhouetted Boy #1 mockingly catches the ball without a problem.

"Why-yagh!" Eddy zips over to his window and pulls his blinds up before the sunlight reflects off of the disco ball, creating a very powerful intensity of light and heat!

"DAGH!" Silhouetted Boy #1 is put in a state of pain and disorientation due to having the ball in his hand! He can barely move but can't see at all!

"Batter up!" WHACK! Eddy picks up his turntable and knocks Silhouetted Boy #1 through his window, shattering it and sending him flying into the distance! He then runs into the hallway to tend to Kevin and Nazz.

"Is he-" Nazz asks.

"He's left the building." Eddy raises his eyebrow. He carries them both over to his couch when he hears a knock at his front door, which then falls down to reveal an unscathed Ed carrying a battered Sarah and Rolf with an equally unscathed Edd and Jimmy right behind him.

"Thank goodness." Edd comments on Eddy's well-being, but then notices Nazz and Kevin's. "Quickly! To my home!"

* * *

That same day, much like in **One Size Fits Ed** , Edd has a clinic set up in his bedroom with Kevin, Rolf, Nazz, and Sarah each lying and sleeping in a makeshift hospital bed. Kevin, Rolf, and Nazz each have casts around their respective abdomens, legs, and arms. Sarah has a full-body cast and has Jimmy watch her from her bedside.

The Eds, including Nurse Edd, talk amongst themselves.

"It would seem our literally shady antagonists were rather serious in their relentless pursuit of us." Edd begins. "Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I find it rather odd that they haven't made another attempt on us."

"Must be up to somethin' big. Like, _real_ big!" Eddy assumes.

"Sometimes, the greatest battles are won by the simplest of plans!" Ed randomly blurts out.

Edd and Eddy look to each other, unsure of what to make of their friend's randomness. As usual.

* * *

That night, Eddy returns home via his bedroom door. When he turns his back, he is shaken and rendered motionless when he glances upon _them._ His parents. Their heads are unseen, but their respective folded arms make it very clear that they are not happy with their youngest son. Eddy instantly understands. It was the silhouetted kids. They told on him. Told on the other Eds. That's why they did not bother attacking them again. There was no point. Eddy realizes that that is what Ed meant by the greatest battles and the simplest of plans. Why trash a neighborhood looking to bust the people you hate when you can just inform their parents, who will bust them for them? Eddy did not see that coming. None of them did.

Eddy bows his head in shame. He has always known, deep down, despite being forgiven by the cul-de-sac kids, that the last scam he pulled was not going to go unpunished. He had hoped that said punishment was his brutal encounter with his brother. But he has known, in his heart, that that was merely him confronting his past and the root of his problems. His many problems. He does not even try to defend his actions against his parents. He knows that they will only register it as an excuse. This is it. The final straw. Eddy will now suffer a discipline worse than he had ever gotten.

* * *

The following day, everyone, fully-healed somehow, is in Eddy's backyard to listen to Eddy himself. They are all horrified and surprised at what the short Ed has told them.

"Military school?!" Kevin blurts out. "That's _beyond_ rough. My Dad, even on his _worst_ day, _my_ worst day, wouldn't _ever_ do that to me."

"Yeah, well. I had it comin'." Eddy admits.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Eddy, but are you the reason why mine and Ed's parents decided against disciplining us for our roles in the scam?" Edd asks.

"Got that right." Eddy replies. "Told them it was _all_ me. You guys told me not to do somethin' and I ain't listen. And after a _long_ talk, they said we could all still be _pals…after_ I graduate from military school."

"Don't go Eddy!" Ed bear-hugs Eddy in tearful sadness.

HONK! Eddy's father honks the horn as an indication that it is time to leave.

"No choice…Lumpy." Eddy says, but with friendly affection.

Moments later, Ed, Edd, Kevin, Nazz, Rolf, Jimmy, and Sarah stand in the driveway of Eddy's home as he and his father back out. Eddy waves a tearful good-bye.

"Bye, Eddy! Good-bye, Dear Friend! Good-bye! Later, Dude! We'll miss you, dude! Don't forget us! Do not let them force-feed you gruel, misunderstood Ed boy!" All of them wave just as tearful good-byes to their friend as he disappears down the street.

"I'm gonna pound those chumps for squealin'!" Kevin declares.

"Violence will not solve anything, Kevin." Edd remarks. "And it certainly won't coerce Eddy's father to reverse his vehicle."

"So, like, what do we do?" Nazz asks. "We can't let this go."

"And we won't. We will achieve retribution." Edd huddles with everyone.

A little bit later, all seven silhouetted kids, having all received a note of some kind, stand in front of a tree and, unknowingly, atop a metallic surface.

CLANG! The metallic surface suddenly ensnares the seven in a birdcage reminiscent of **Stop, Look, and Ed** and are then suspended up in the tree.

"Hey, what the?! Let us down! Hey! Get us down! What is this? Who did this? Someone's gettin' it!" They all grumble unhappily.

The remaining Eds and cul-de-sac kids arrive.

"Serves you right!" Sarah mocks.

"That'll teach ya!" Kevin jeers.

"I feel so much better!" Nazz adds.

"Revenge is quite a delectable dish, yes?" Rolf mocks.

"Looks good on you." Jimmy gloats the seven.

"Yes, indeed." Edd smugly folds his arms.

"Now, taste this!" Ed shows up with a bucket of hot tar and throws it up at the seven in the cage, covering them in it as well as the cage!

"Hey!" They shout in disgust and pain.

"And this!" Ed shoots a cannon of feathers at the seven Silhouetted Kids, covering the cage partially and them completely!

"COUGH!" Silhouetted Boy #1 coughs out some feathers.

Ed then remarks, "You're welcome!"

Afterwards, in Edd's backyard, the seven friends of the cul-de-sac each hold up a cup of sweet tea for a toast.

"To Eddy." Edd sadly laments.

"To Eddy." All but Ed repeat and a sip.

"Wha-ha-ha-ha! Gulp!" A sad Ed disregards his cup and instead guzzles the entire pitcher of sweet tea and subsequently cries. Edd and Jimmy pat him on the back as they look to each other with slight uncertainty.

* * *

That night, having only just arrived due to the nocturnal traffic, Eddy is dropped off in front of Peach Creek Military Academy, where a tall, silhouetted man in a uniform awaits him.

SCREECH! His father drives off immediately after Eddy gets out of the car with his backpack. Eddy follows the man through the double doors of the academy, the only thought in his head being when will he wake up and realize this is just a nightmare. That he is really unconscious due to another attack by the Kankers. But as soon as the double doors slam behind him, he knows. He knows this is for real. This is _really_ happening. And no one, not even Ed and Edd, can save him. Not this time…


End file.
